Many parents who separate because they don't want to be in conflict anymore, usually find that they end up in more conflict over the children. If you are a separated parent reading this, try to focus on your own behaviour, how you can help ease the conflict and the impact on your child.

Why does the conflict arise?

Separated parents actually take some time to separate beyond the actual physical separation. Emotionally we sometimes stay attached, this can take a while to move on if you were the one that did not want the relationship to dissolve. It is worth thinking, 'am i struggling to detach after 6 -12 months', what is holding me back'? 

Power battles

Parents can feel out of control of their lives and over their ex partners lives. For some the battle can be about blaming one another. The children often will be used to exert power by stopping contact or threatening to take the child away. This is damaging to the child and your relationship with them. The children may be used by competing whose home is the best, who can buy them the most presents and so on. Unfortunately, there are no winners, the ones that loose out are the children. Children loose out by parents failing to consider the impact on a childs mental health and well being by being stuck between two parents who cannot put their own feelings aside to protect their child.

How might we start to stop letting the children get caught up in the middle?

 

Here are a few ideas to contemplate..................

Listen to your child, not only by what they say but how they behave. Do they seem happy? Are you having problems with their behaviour? They speak through non-verbal communications.

Do not use your child as a weapon, your child deserves to have two parents, unless you have issues that your child is at harm or risk with another parent, stopping contact is hurting your child.

Learning to communicate in a non aggressive but assertive tone and manner will reduce stress levels and help you stay in control of your emotions. Stop blaming one another for problems and start taking responsibility for your own actions.

Refrain from criticising the other parent in front of the child.

Children look up to us as role models, they copy and learn. They deserve to have a childhood without being expected to choose between parents. Ask yourself, are they caught up in the middle?

If the answer is yes, act now, find some support for you and your child.

If you are affected by the above and would like to learn more about how you or your child can get help visit my website. www.windmillsoftheminds.com

Sarah May Thorpe.

I look forward to hearing from you.

If you want to read more on how to gain more practical face to face support with parenting visit my website. www.windmillsoftheminds.com

You may here a great deal from mental health and emotional well being services that support networks are vital in keeping well. The NHS definitely recommend that we need a good support circle to maintain our well being.

In my experiences of working with others professionally and my own personally, i hear and see that having people who are supportive around us helps us cope with the challenges and slumps in life.

People who feel they have people to talk to often will cope much better than if we don't. If we don't have many people who are supportive, we usually end up feeling lonely and isolated which impacts on our mental well being. 

Talking to others about feeling low, depressed or anxious still can be incredibly daunting for some people and in some work environments. From what i experience we still need to keep improving at talking, recognising and understanding how anyone can gradually feel unwell from stressful and emotional issues.

So lets keep making changes to supporting one another to let people know that it is ok to talk about their feelings without feeling inadequate or judged.

I welcome comments from people.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

Windmills of the Minds

www.windmillsoftheminds.com

We 

With the new year approaching, I felt the welcome urge to write a new blog. I haven't wrote for a while, writing is one of my passions, sometimes I  loose connection with passions,  I am determined to make space for the writing more often.

Which leads me onto the fabulous New Year, what does this look like for you? First of all,  i think it is helpful before we do this to spend some valuable time reflecting on this year, take a look back and process what has been your happiest, saddest and most enjoyable moments. What went well, what did not go so well. What you could do differently this new year? 

What or who would you like to leave behind in this year? What would you like to take forward to the New year?

Is this getting you thinking, the cogs turning, the mind opening to new ventures?

I would recommend taking some time writing down your reflections of 2015. Take your time, there is no rush. 

Once you feel this is completed it is time to move on to 2016. Of course, I am mindful it is good to live in the present moment, however to live fully in the present in my experience,  it helps to plan and prepare ahead.

Have you got your thinking cap on ? Great, we can now move on.......

These are my own ideas for helping to focus, keep motivated, maintaining the feeling of fulfilment and live in the present moment. There are links at the end. So here goes....

None of these ideas above are limited, you will have your own thoughts I'm sure, if you do that's  great, please share below. These suggestions are food for thought and not meant to be the answer to deep rooted problems or illnesses or claim to resolve any serious problems that you are experiencing. Seek or maintain medical or professional support if necessary.

Please find the links below for further help.

http://www.juliethemoneycoach.com/

http://www.law-of-attraction-haven.com/louise-hay-affirmations-money.html

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/

http://www.meetup.com/

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/pages/improve-mental-wellbeing.aspx

http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/mindfulness.htm

http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

I hope you have enjoyed reading this blog. I would like to wish you a sparkling new year, be it healthier and happier for you in 2016.

From WIndmills of the Minds 

www.windmillsoftheminds.com 

This is copyright to Sarah Thorpe Windmills of the Minds © 2016 28/12/2015 

The you tube video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQKjMvG7BLU, now albeit from a after shave advert, the title of my blog, I am not going to be who I am expected to be any more to me once echoed in my mind once when I felt I had enough of trying, I felt the need to share this with others.

Having experiences of my own related to trying to live up to others expectations ( or my perception of them) also my experiences of working with others who feel like they are a failure and that they are letting others or themselves down. 

You will know the saying....'in a world trying to make you like everyone else, the challenge is to be yourself'? or something to that affect.

In the teen time,  being ourselves can be tough, right?  We often spend time trying to fit in, wanting the approval of friends or family. We may try to be something we are not, changing our behaviour or the way we look to be accepted. 

Thoughts like, I want to be taller, smaller, thinner, fatter, funnier, smarter, richer...the list never ends really when we are in the zone of trying to fit in

This can cause us to feel a split in ourselves, and conflicted that we start to become anxious, depressed and not liking ourselves much at all. There begins to feel an inner discomfort and distress, we feel panicky at being around others.

This can continue onto adult hood, we may study subjects because our parents want us too.

We may go into a profession because it seems sensible, secure and has long term benefits. This for some is enough, it some can be happy with this, even though it is not what they wanted to do. Money is definitely a basic need, choosing a lesser paid job that we love may mean we are happier but less financially secure. 

If you are reading this blog then I suspect you are questioning your self, your life choices. Maybe you want to make changes to your life, to take some plunges into the water of the unknown. 

A  suggestion is to start with writing or drawing your fears out on a piece of paper.

Ask questions?

Ask yourself what are you most afraid of, who scares us, what scares us the most?  

When did you start to forget who you are. What changed?  Who do we most admire in life, whose our role model?

Who can you be yourself with? 

What is the difference to some people you feel comfortable with and others you don't.

I know when i feel at ease with people, that I can be my authentic self, I want to surround myself with more of those people, who nurture and support me and it is a mutual exchange of this.

 I know I feel good with them because I look forward to seeing more of them.

How can you start to face your fears, how can you help yourself, who else can help you?

What will it take to piece yourself back together.

If you do feel like this. Here are some good articles to read that may help you.

This one is a great read on Carl Rogers one of my biggest influencers in the work I do. 

http://www.simplypsychology.org/carl-rogers.html

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200804/dare-be-yourself

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/what-it-means-to-just-be-yourself-and-how-to-do-it/

www.windmillsoftheminds.com for Counselling/Parenting in Doncaster/surrounding areas and worldwide online. 

In my journey of counselling we are taught to questions ourselves and what we do. What does counselling actually do?

I will answer this question from my own beliefs, training, values and perspectives. 

First of all, what counselling does not provide a quick fix for problems . Counselling is not about telling you what to do or how to do it. As a counsellor my role is not to judge you or situations you are in. My role is not to give you the answers but for you to find the answers that you have within you.

Friends and family may often give you advice, do you take it?

Advice giving is useful at practical times, for e.g such as managing debt, but in the counselling arena, this does not help you become more self assured and trust in your self.

Often the biggest conflict we have is with ourselves. We may not be supporting our own self, rejecting who we are. We may not feel good enough, strong enough, clever enough. People will say just be positive or get a grip. If only it were that easy. Like having a physical illness, when we are emotionally raw we need time and care to heal. This does not happen overnight, Patience is a virtue. Belief and trust that in time you will recover, helps the process. This can at times can be challenging in the depth of despair. We will have thoughts like..

These are completely normal and natural thoughts but can debilitate us and isolate us from others.

Counselling is a place where you can be understood and that these thoughts and feelings can be expressed and accepted.

We may feel embarrassed  that we are having these thoughts, this blocks our way to seeking help and moving forward.

Counsellors offer the space and time  to be there for you, they have the skills , knowledge and training to help you understand and accept your feelings and thoughts without judging your self or others.

Counsellors can support you to be able become more conscious of the unconscious.  We often are too close to the situation. or we may not realise how we ourselves are playing an important role. 

'Be the driver, not the driven'.

Here are a few links to helping you understand more about the areas discussed today.

http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/humanistic.html

http://www.bacp.co.uk/

http://www.businessballs.com/johariwindowmodel.htm

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/200809/the-path-unconditional-self-acceptance

to be continued..................

Talking to a trained counselling professional is different from having a chat with a friend or a family.

Counsellors are highly trained professionals in working with others therapeutically to enable the person to work through challenging times. 

My counselling training lasted over 10 years and i continue to update my learning in different aspects to increase my skills and widen my knowledge. Also keeping up to date with the changes in policies and the government.

It takes a great deal of work and commitment in this profession to maintain good standards of work. I am a member of the BACP and on their approved register. This requires working to their ethical standards and guidelines. It takes commitment to taking care of myself to enable my ability to support others.

Through the years of my  counselling journey up to now,  i have spent time learning about myself and i have attended counselling for my own personal development and when i have needed too. I highly valued the time I spent as a client. I learned to know what it feels like to sit in that chair and feel vulnerable.  It also has given me the opportunity not only to support me in challenging times but to feel comfortable in my own skin. That is priceless to me.

Whereas the principles  of counselling are similar for most fields,  every counsellor is unique, we all have our own personalities. The relationship to me with every client is unique and is the key to being able to work together effectively. if i am able to help a client feel at ease, trust me and feel confident in me, this to me,  is the stability that will provide the platform to enabling the therapeutic process to take place.

This in turn enables the person to accept themselves and therefore be able to make changes if they choose too. 

Acceptance of the human self and all our parts for me is where we grow and become more human. We learn to accept others and understand each other in much greater depth. The relationship with ourselves makes the difference to how we relate to others. If we don't like who we are, how can we be open to forging deep human connections......?

To be continued.

Sarah Thorpe 

Thank you for reading.