We can explore how we came to this place of treating ourselves badly?

Think about if you put yourself last or  find it difficult to say no? Feel constantly heavily compromised? 

Or choose to live a simpler, happier, more content life.

Sharing my thoughts with you today about parenting in the millennium. Parenting has changed so much over the years, thinking of myself being parented as a child, to parenting my eldest and youngest child.

I strongly believe that the changes are a really good thing, smacking children and eliminating punitive punishments are some of the best things to happen over the past 20 years.

Reasons why? Let me share a few examples, punitive punishment that are intended to make a child feel guilty, ashamed and embarrassed of his actions is simply not going to help their confidence or the relationship with a parent strong. Messages such as, ' wait till i tell your teacher what you have done' or ' you are a horrible child for hurting your friend', are not going to teach them how to behave, only how to feel bad and guilty for being a child.Putting children in the corner is considered a punitive punishment and is widely discouraged.

The seasonal message used by many parents is' Santa is not coming now'... this breaks my heart because children are so vulnerable and believe what we say. To use presents as a punishment to me is setting a parent up for a really hard time up to Christmas, with tears and tantrums for all the family.

Teaching a child firm boundaries is essential, not doing anything or laughing at children for hurting another is going to leave you wide open for many problems down the road.

What we need is a good balance of discipline and love. Telling a child what they should be doing is much more effective in my experience of many years of working with children and parenting. Giving them choices and consequences also works really well.

Unfortunately we have messages on social media that say bring back old punishments. 

There's a reason they have been replaced because of damage to children's well being.

Especially when used excessively.

There are many ways to manage behaviours that will not involve hurting a child. Keeping calm and handling behaviours immediately will help you and your child.

If you ever feel like a stuck record then no doubt you are out of control and end up exploding at children because of the frustration. You are not alone, it happens. We need to learn how to discipline assertively, effectively to help our own and our childs wellness. 

No parent is perfect and we all parent in different style. However, when it comes to setting boundaries and consequences, having a clear plan of rules and expectations and agreeing this with a partner or other family will reduce your stress levels to a healthy level.

For more information on Triple P parenting programmes and family support please visit my website.

www.windmillsoftheminds.com

I am sure if you are reading this and you have small children then you may find it hard to understand how parents may feel this way. However, lots of parents do and will.

Many parents feel a deep sense of loss and feeling literally 'lost' not knowing what to do when children leave the home to live somewhere else or go to university. 

 

Like any loss, the stages of grief may hit home, depression, being the most common feeling, mostly because parents (being one myself and having experienced this) feel a sadness. 

Working parents may regret that they did not spend more time at home with their child, or any parent, may have regrets about something or other and therefore feel guilty.

Whatever it is your feeling as a parent, be accepting of the feelings, there is no need to feel silly for feeling this way. Every emotion is valid, we do not need to push it away and try to get on with life, or be feel pressured to 'get a life'. 

You can help themselves by allowing whatever you need to feel, to be expressed and be fully felt.

After all, you are their mum or dad, or carer, grandparent and you have spent many years rearing them, laughing, crying and being there for them through all kinds of challenges.

Nothing you do can change the past, none of us are ever going to not regret anything, that is part of the process of life. In hindsight, we could have always done more or different.

Once we can fully feel the pain of the loss, this will shift, and we can celebrate a new beginning of the next stage of life.

However, be prepared for your children to return to the nest... but that is another story for another day.

A good article to read below.

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/features/empty-nest-syndrome-the-long-goodbye-2330118.html

Many parents who separate because they don't want to be in conflict anymore, usually find that they end up in more conflict over the children. If you are a separated parent reading this, try to focus on your own behaviour, how you can help ease the conflict and the impact on your child.

Why does the conflict arise?

Separated parents actually take some time to separate beyond the actual physical separation. Emotionally we sometimes stay attached, this can take a while to move on if you were the one that did not want the relationship to dissolve. It is worth thinking, 'am i struggling to detach after 6 -12 months', what is holding me back'? 

Power battles

Parents can feel out of control of their lives and over their ex partners lives. For some the battle can be about blaming one another. The children often will be used to exert power by stopping contact or threatening to take the child away. This is damaging to the child and your relationship with them. The children may be used by competing whose home is the best, who can buy them the most presents and so on. Unfortunately, there are no winners, the ones that loose out are the children. Children loose out by parents failing to consider the impact on a childs mental health and well being by being stuck between two parents who cannot put their own feelings aside to protect their child.

How might we start to stop letting the children get caught up in the middle?

 

Here are a few ideas to contemplate..................

Listen to your child, not only by what they say but how they behave. Do they seem happy? Are you having problems with their behaviour? They speak through non-verbal communications.

Do not use your child as a weapon, your child deserves to have two parents, unless you have issues that your child is at harm or risk with another parent, stopping contact is hurting your child.

Learning to communicate in a non aggressive but assertive tone and manner will reduce stress levels and help you stay in control of your emotions. Stop blaming one another for problems and start taking responsibility for your own actions.

Refrain from criticising the other parent in front of the child.

Children look up to us as role models, they copy and learn. They deserve to have a childhood without being expected to choose between parents. Ask yourself, are they caught up in the middle?

If the answer is yes, act now, find some support for you and your child.

If you are affected by the above and would like to learn more about how you or your child can get help visit my website. www.windmillsoftheminds.com

Sarah May Thorpe.

I look forward to hearing from you.

If you want to read more on how to gain more practical face to face support with parenting visit my website. www.windmillsoftheminds.com